06/23/2013

  • JOKES

     

    Company Mergers

    Companies are always consolidating. Here is some inside information about some potential mergers…

    Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace

    Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker

    3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood

    Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa

    FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP

    Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild

    Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants

    Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

    Fall Classes for Men at the Adult Learning Center

    Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, class sizes will be limited to 8 participants maximum.

    How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays
    Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
    Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

    The Toilet Paper Roll—Does it Change Itself?
    Round Table Discussion.
    Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

    Is it Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
    Group Practice.
    Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Fundamental Differences between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor
    Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
    Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

    Dinner Dishes—Can They Levitate and Fly into the Kitchen Sink?
    Examples on Video.
    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

    Loss of Identity—Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
    Help Line Support and Support Groups.
    Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

    Learning How to Find Things—Starting with Looking in the Right Places and Not Turning the House Upside Down While Screaming.
    Open Forum.
    Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

    Health Watch—Bringing Her Flowers is Not Harmful to Your Health.
    Graphics and Audio Tapes.
    Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost.
    Real Life Testimonials.
    Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

    Is It Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
    Driving Simulations.
    4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

    Learning to Live—Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
    Online Classes and role-playing.
    Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

    How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
    Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

    How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy—Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going to Be Late.
    Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
    Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

    The Stove/Oven—What It Is and How It Is Used.
    Live Demonstration.
    Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

    Cinderella Revisited

    Cinderella is now 95 years old.

    After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

    One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

    Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”

    The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

    Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: “The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”

    Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

    Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother”

    The fairy godmother replied, “It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?”

    Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.”

    At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

    And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?”

    Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.”

    Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

    The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.”

    With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

    For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

    Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. He held her close in his young muscular arms.

    He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…

    “I bet you’re sorry you neutered me.”

    Dwarf Incident

    I rear ended a car this morning…

    I tell you, it was going to be a REALLY bad day!

    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

    He looked up at me and said “I am NOT Happy!”

    So I said, “Well, which one ARE you then?”

    That’s how the fight started.