06/27/2013
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JOKE
Double Negative
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However,” he pointed out, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
Lyrical Updates
Some of the artists of the ’60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
Herman’s Hermits – Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees – How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Bobby Darin – Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash
Ringo Starr – I Get By With a Little Help from Depends
Roberta Flack – The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash – I Can’t See Clearly Now
Paul Simon – Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
Commodores – Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Updating Lyrically
Some of the artists of the ’60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
Marvin Gaye – I Heard it Through the Grape Nuts
Procol Harem – A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer -You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations – Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone
Abba – Denture Queen
Tony Orlando – Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy – I am Woman, Hear me Snore
Willie Nelson – On the Throne Again
Leslie Gore – It’s My Procedure and I’ll Cry if I Want To
It’s Dark in Here
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, “It’s dark in here.”
The man whispers, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$250.”In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover end up in the closet together.
Boy – “It’s dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball glove.”
Man – Remembering
last time, asks, “How much?”
Boy – “$750.”
Man – “Fine.”A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your ball and glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball.”
The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says “$1,000.”
The father says, “It’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That’s way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “It’s dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that mess again!”
