08/02/2013

  • JOKES

     

    Custody Battle

    A man and his wife in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child.

    The wife jumped up and said: “Your Honor. I brought the child into the world with pain an labor, Child should be in my custody.”

    The judge turns to the husband and says: “What do you have to say in your defense?”

    The man sat for a while contemplating then slowly rose.

    “Your Honor. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is it? The machine’s or mine?”

    Stanley Cup Final pt. 1

    It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

    He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”

    “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?”

    Continued below…

    Stanley Cup Final pt. 2

    … continued from above

    The neighbor says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

    “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”

    The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

    Snail Time

    A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

    Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says “What the heck was that all about?”