12/20/2012

  • JOKES

    Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

    1. He had only one major publication.
    2. It was in Hebrew.
    3. It had no references.
    4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
    5. Some doubt He wrote it by Himself.
    6. He may have created the world, but what has he done since?
    7. The scientific community can't replicate His results.
    8. He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.
    9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
    10. He rarely came to class and just told students, "Read the Book."
    11. Some say He had His son teach class.
    12. He expelled His first two students. 13. His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountain top.
    14. Although there were only 10 requirements, all students failed save His Son.

    The Grieving Wife

    Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

    She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

    The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

    She says, "That he did, Father..."

    The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

    She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that darned gun!'"

    Dividing Nuts

    On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

    "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

    The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.

    Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

    He knew what it was. "Oh, my!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road as fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

    "Come quick!" said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

    The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"

    After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

    The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."

    Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

    They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

    Too-Jealous Wife

    There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

    The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

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