12/23/2012

• JOKES

  Texan With a New Car Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back." "Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello." "I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

  Car Company Names AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Always Unsafe Designs Implemented All Un-informed Drivers Insulted All Unnecessary Devices Installed BMW Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster BUICK Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGE Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FORD Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Fast Only Rolling Downhill GM General Maintenance GMC Garage Man's Companion HONDA Had One Never Did Again Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else. Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive? MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILE Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day. Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment SAAB Send Another Automobile Back TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object VW Virtually Worthless

  Shakespeare by Computer William Shakespeare's Sonnet 18 ("Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?") converted into the programming language ActionScript: var summer:Object = {}; var thee:Object = {}; summer.name = "Summer Day"; thee.name = "Thee"; summer.lovelyness = 9; thee.lovelyness = 10; summer.temperature = 98; thee.temperature = 98.6; summer.lease = new Date(2006, 7, 31).getTime() - new Date(2006, 5, 1).getTime(); thee.lease = new Date(2042, 6, 12).getTime() - new Date(1970, 8, 25).getTime(); summer.complexion = 0xFFCC33; thee.complexion = 0xFFCCCC; summer.fair = 10; thee.fair = 10; summer.getValue = function():Number { return --this.fair; }; thee.getValue = function():Number { return this.fair; }; summer.incrementTime = function():Number { return --this.lease; }; thee.incrementTime = function():Number { return this.lease; }; var man:Object = {}; man.hasEyes = true; man.canBreathe = true; man.lease = 10000; man.liveLong = function():Void { this.lease *= 10; }; man.giveLife = function(o:Object):Void { o.lease++; trace(o.name + " is given life"); }; man.compare = function(o1:Object, o2:Object):Void { if (this.canBreathe && this.hasEyes) { this.liveLong(); var n1:Number = 0; var n2:Number = 0; var o1isBetter:Boolean; for (var i in o1) { if (typeof (o1[i]) == "function") { o1isBetter = o1[i]() > o2[i]() ? true : false; } else { o1isBetter = o1[i] > o2[i] ? true : false; } n1 += Number(o1isBetter); n2 += Number(!o1isBetter); } this.giveLife(n1 > n2 ? o1 : o2); } }; man.compare(summer, thee);

  Navajo Hitchhiker Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

  • 12:30 am
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