01/29/2013

• JOKES

  Definitions for Parents FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the mashed carrots. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own. PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes. STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas. WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a washrag."

  Mr. Smith is Dead A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again. "Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!" "I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

  Beethoven When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

  Perspective An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

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