02/22/2013

  • JOKES

    Cat Rules of Hampering

    If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":

    1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. It's even funnier when they try to avoid stepping on you and fall into a counter or table.

    2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

    3. For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.

    4. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper.

    Signs That You Are Cheap

    1. You attend a weekly coupon club.

    2. You've been driving on the spare tire for over three months.

    3. Fast food is your idea of fine dining.

    4. You spend more time counting change during a single week than you spend at church.

    5. You're outraged when the price of a can of soda goes up a nickel.

    6. You haven't purchased a name brand product in the past ten years.

    7. You take the pennies from the container next to the cash register.

    8. Your family gets presents a week after Christmas because you love that fifty-percent discount.

    9. Matinee. Every time.

    10. You code all your own software rather than buy it.

    Bathroom Philosophers

    Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life's problems. Here are a few gems.

    Make love, not war. Heck, do both, get married! - Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana

    I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

    It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

    If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books. New York, New York.

    If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

    Did You Ever Wonder?

    - If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

    - Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

    - If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

    - If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    - When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Or do you get change?

    - Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

    - Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

    - Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?

    - Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

    - Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

    - Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

    - If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn'tit follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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