03/24/2013

• JOKES

  The Rabbit The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, filling everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

  Overloaded My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage. "When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem." My wife smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

  Baby Wrap Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants. As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?" "Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy." "I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"

  Translations of Help Wanted Ads Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission. Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law. Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this. Fast learner: You will get no training from us. Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours. Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing. Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme. Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory. Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients. Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits. Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors. Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work. Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements. Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already. Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.

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