03/28/2013

  • JOKES

    The Last Word from Women

    Men are like fine wine...

    They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

    What Do I Look Like?

    There was a young couple living in an old run down house. One day the man gets home from work and his wife says, "Honey, look at the walls. They haven't been painted as long as we have lived here. It's peeling and cracking; couldn't you please just paint them?"

    "Who do I look like? Michelangelo?" the man replies.

    "I guess not", says the wife.

    The next day the man gets back from work again. Again his wife starts to complain. "Oh sugar, couldn't you just please at least repair the stairs? They're falling apart and they're really unsafe to walk up."

    The man says, "Who do I look like? Frank Lloyd Wright?"

    "Well, maybe not," says the wife.

    The next week the man returns from his job. He walks into his house and is suddenly amazed. The stairs are fixed, the walls were painted and the house looked superb. "Honey.....How did you do this? It looks great!" he says. "Well I met up with a handyman down the street. He offered to repair our house if I either bake him a batch of brownies or sleep with him" says the wife.

    "Well, honey, you baked the batch of brownies, right?"

    The wife replies, "Who do I look like, Sara Lee?"

    Age Barometer

    Total the number of these that you remember:

    1. Blackjack chewing gum
    2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
    3. Candy cigarettes
    4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
    5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
    6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
    7. Party lines
    8. Newsreels before the movie
    9. P.F. Flyers
    10. Butch wax
    11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
    12. Peashooters
    13. Howdy Doody
    14. 45 RPM records
    15. S&H Green Stamps
    16. Hi-fi's
    17. Metal ice trays with levers
    18. Mimeograph paper
    19. Blue flashbulbs
    20. Beanie and Cecil
    21. Roller skate keys
    22. Cork popguns
    23. Drive-ins
    24. Studebakers
    25. Wash tub wringers

    If you remembered 0-5 You're still young.

    If you remembered 6-10 You are getting older.

    If you remembered 11-15 Don't tell your age.

    If you remembered 16-25 You're older than dirt!.

    Transportation in Heaven

    And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said - "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

    The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge."

    The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said- "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

    The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said- "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

    A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying.

    "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?"

    Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."