05/30/2013

  • JOKES

    Love and Marriage: A Tale

    An elderly man lay dying in his bed. Nearing the final curtain, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

    Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

    Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

    Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

    Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

    The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. “Stay out of those!” she said, “They’re for the funeral.”

    Rules for When You Find Yourself in a Horror Movie

    - Don’t assume the telephone calls are coming from another house.

    – When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

    – Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

    – Don’t go into the basement to check the power when the lights go out!

    – If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.

    – When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it alone.

    – Don’t have sex. Especially if you’ve noticed a few of your friends are missing!

    – As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open a portal to Hell.

    More Rules for When You Find Yourself in a Horror Movie

    -Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

    – If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, don’t stand their sighing with relief, GET THE HECK OUT!

    – If appliances start operating by themselves, don’t check for short circuits; JUST GET OUT!

    – Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

    – If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.

    – Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.

    – If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely ambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

    Even More Rules for When You Find Yourself in a Horror Movie

    - If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

    – Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Arkham (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

    – If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and will most likely be eaten.

    – Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

    – If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.