12/20/2012

• JOKES

  Black Market Drugs The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market. The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds."

  Only In America Only in America ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in America ... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. Only in America ... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in America ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke. Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put, our useless junk in the garage. Only in America ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we will not miss a call from someone we did not want to talk to in the first place. Only in America ... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Only in America ... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. Only in America ... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

  Are you an Engineer? If these remind you of yourself, it's a good bet you are an engineer. - At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string. - In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure. - The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions. - You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling. - You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday. - You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie. - You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines. - You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel. - You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months. - You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area. - You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance. - You have more friends on the Internet than in real life. - You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts. - You know what http:// actually stands for. - You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts. - You see a good design and still have to change it. - You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it. - You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa). - You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite. - You know what the geosynchronous satellite's function is. - Your laptop computer costs more than your car. - You've already calculated how much you make per second. - You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

  Internet Geek? Here are the top 10 signs you may be an Internet Geek... 10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address. 9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?" 8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail. 7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food. 6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you. 5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest. 4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications". 3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server". 2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!" And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek: 1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

  • 12:52 am
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