03/15/2013

• JOKES

  Newly Issued Alcohol Warnings The American Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage. 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away. 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. 3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you 4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him. 6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead. 7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

  Under the Wagon A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. "Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon." "That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to." "Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted. "Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset." "Don't be silly!" said the neighbor. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon," replied Willis.

  Camping Tips - Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants. - A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. - The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills. - When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on. - Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone. - A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup. - A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck. - In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

  A Cowboy's Guilde to Live 1. Don't squat with your spurs on. 2. Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you none. 3. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging. 4. Always drink upstream from the herd. 5. Telling a man to git and making him do it are two entirely different propositions. 6. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. 7. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still back there. 8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. 9. If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around. 10. And never, ever, miss a good opportunity to shut up.

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