Month: March 2013

  • JOKES

    Newly Issued Alcohol Warnings

    The American Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

    1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

    2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

    3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

    4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

    6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

    7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

    Under the Wagon

    A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate.

    "Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon."

    "That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to."

    "Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted.

    "Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it."

    After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset."

    "Don't be silly!" said the neighbor. "By the way, where is he?"

    "Under the wagon," replied Willis.

    Camping Tips

    - Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

    - A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

    - The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

    - When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

    - Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

    - A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

    - A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

    - In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

    A Cowboy's Guilde to Live

    1. Don't squat with your spurs on.

    2. Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you none.

    3. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

    4. Always drink upstream from the herd.

    5. Telling a man to git and making him do it are two entirely different propositions.

    6. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

    7. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still back there.

    8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

    9. If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

    10. And never, ever, miss a good opportunity to shut up.

  • DEVOTIONAL LANCASTER BAPTIST CHURCH

     

     


     
     

    The Power of Encouragement

    By Paul Chappell

     
     
     
      Friday, Mar 15, 2013

    "A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit."

    Proverbs 15:4

    Dr. George Truett told this story of a dramatic rescue from almost certain death. “There was a fire in the big city, and the firemen flung their ladders together, and went up in their brave fashion to the very topmost story to rescue the people that were trapped. One after another was rescued by the brave firemen.

    “All had been rescued, it seemed, but No! As the firemen looked up they saw a face at the most upper window. They wrapped something about one of their firemen, and in the face of the fierce flames, he went again to that window, and put a robe around the little woman and started down. Then they saw him tremble as the fire raged around him, and it seemed that he would fall with his precious burden, but the fire chief cried to his men: ‘Cheer him, boys! Cheer him, boys!’ They cheered him with words of encouragement as he came down safely with the precious life saved.”

    There is immense power in our words to either tear people down or build them up. The old playground saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is not true. Words of disapproval and discouragement can convince someone to give up. On the other hand, words of encouragement can make all the difference. One vote of confidence, one kind word, one expression of approval may be all a person needs to keep going in the right direction.

    Mark Twain famously said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” A kind word costs us nothing, yet it can mean the world to someone who is struggling. Take the time today to intentionally encourage the people in your life—it will help both you and them.

    Today’s Proverbs Precept: 
    Use your words to encourage and support, and your tongue will be a source of life to you and to others.

    Old Testament Reading
    Deuteronomy 25

    CHAPTER 25

    1 If there be a controversy between men, and they come unto judgment, that the judges may judge them; then they shall justify the righteous, and condemn the wicked. 2 And it shall be, if the wicked man be worthy to be beaten, that the judge shall cause him to lie down, and to be beaten before his face, according to his fault, by a certain number. 3 Forty stripes he may give him, and not exceed: lest, if he should exceed, and beat him above these with many stripes, then thy brother should seem vile unto thee. 4 Thou shalt not muzzle the ox when he treadeth out the corn.

    5 If brethren dwell together, and one of them die, and have no child, the wife of the dead shall not marry without unto a stranger: her husband's brother shall go in unto her, and take her to him to wife, and perform the duty of an husband's brother unto her. 6 And it shall be, that the firstborn which she beareth shall succeed in the name of his brother which is dead, that his name be not put out of Israel. 7 And if the man like not to take his brother's wife, then let his brother's wife go up to the gate unto the elders, and say, My husband's brother refuseth to raise up unto his brother a name in Israel, he will not perform the duty of my husband's brother. 8 Then the elders of his city shall call him, and speak unto him: and if he stand to it, and say, I like not to take her; 9 Then shall his brother's wife come unto him in the presence of the elders, and loose his shoe from off his foot, and spit in his face, and shall answer and say, So shall it be done unto that man that will not build up his brother's house. 10 And his name shall be called in Israel, The house of him that hath his shoe loosed. 11 When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: 12 Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.

    13 Thou shalt not have in thy bag divers weights, a great and a small. 14 Thou shalt not have in thine house divers measures, a great and a small. 15 But thou shalt have a perfect and just weight, a perfect and just measure shalt thou have: that thy days may be lengthened in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. 16 For all that do such things, and all that do unrighteously, are an abomination unto the LORD thy God. 17 Remember what Amalek did unto thee by the way, when ye were come forth out of Egypt; 18 How he met thee by the way, and smote the hindmost of thee, even all that were feeble behind thee, when thou wast faint and weary; and he feared not God. 19 Therefore it shall be, when the LORD thy God hath given thee rest from all thine enemies round about, in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance to possess it, that thou shalt blot out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven; thou shalt not forget it.

     

    CHAPTER 26

    1 And it shall be, when thou art come in unto the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance, and possessest it, and dwellest therein; 2 That thou shalt take of the first of all the fruit of the earth, which thou shalt bring of thy land that the LORD thy God giveth thee, and shalt put it in a basket, and shalt go unto the place which the LORD thy God shall choose to place his name there. 3 And thou shalt go unto the priest that shall be in those days, and say unto him, I profess this day unto the LORD thy God, that I am come unto the country which the LORD sware unto our fathers for to give us. 4 And the priest shall take the basket out of thine hand, and set it down before the altar of the LORD thy God. 5 And thou shalt speak and say before the LORD thy God, A Syrian ready to perish was my father, and he went down into Egypt, and sojourned there with a few, and became there a nation, great, mighty, and populous: 6 And the Egyptians evil entreated us, and afflicted us, and laid upon us hard bondage: 7 And when we cried unto the LORD God of our fathers, the LORD heard our voice, and looked on our affliction, and our labour, and our oppression: 8 And the LORD brought us forth out of Egypt with a mighty hand, and with an outstretched arm, and with great terribleness, and with signs, and with wonders: 9 And he hath brought us into this place, and hath given us this land, even a land that floweth with milk and honey. 10 And now, behold, I have brought the firstfruits of the land, which thou, O LORD, hast given me. And thou shalt set it before the LORD thy God, and worship before the LORD thy God: 11 And thou shalt rejoice in every good thing which the LORD thy God hath given unto thee, and unto thine house, thou, and the Levite, and the stranger that is among you.

    12 When thou hast made an end of tithing all the tithes of thine increase the third year, which is the year of tithing, and hast given it unto the Levite, the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, that they may eat within thy gates, and be filled; 13 Then thou shalt say before the LORD thy God, I have brought away the hallowed things out of mine house, and also have given them unto the Levite, and unto the stranger, to the fatherless, and to the widow, according to all thy commandments which thou hast commanded me: I have not transgressed thy commandments, neither have I forgotten them: 14 I have not eaten thereof in my mourning, neither have I taken away ought thereof for any unclean use, nor given ought thereof for the dead: but I have hearkened to the voice of the LORD my God, and have done according to all that thou hast commanded me. 15 Look down from thy holy habitation, from heaven, and bless thy people Israel, and the land which thou hast given us, as thou swarest unto our fathers, a land that floweth with milk and honey.

    16 This day the LORD thy God hath commanded thee to do these statutes and judgments: thou shalt therefore keep and do them with all thine heart, and with all thy soul. 17 Thou hast avouched the LORD this day to be thy God, and to walk in his ways, and to keep his statutes, and his commandments, and his judgments, and to hearken unto his voice: 18 And the LORD hath avouched thee this day to be his peculiar people, as he hath promised thee, and that thou shouldest keep all his commandments; 19 And to make thee high above all nations which he hath made, in praise, and in name, and in honour; and that thou mayest be an holy people unto the LORD thy God, as he hath spoken.

     

    CHAPTER 27

    1 And Moses with the elders of Israel commanded the people, saying, Keep all the commandments which I command you this day. 2 And it shall be on the day when ye shall pass over Jordan unto the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee, that thou shalt set thee up great stones, and plaister them with plaister: 3 And thou shalt write upon them all the words of this law, when thou art passed over, that thou mayest go in unto the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee, a land that floweth with milk and honey; as the LORD God of thy fathers hath promised thee. 4 Therefore it shall be when ye be gone over Jordan, that ye shall set up these stones, which I command you this day, in mount Ebal, and thou shalt plaister them with plaister. 5 And there shalt thou build an altar unto the LORD thy God, an altar of stones: thou shalt not lift up any iron tool upon them. 6 Thou shalt build the altar of the LORD thy God of whole stones: and thou shalt offer burnt offerings thereon unto the LORD thy God: 7 And thou shalt offer peace offerings, and shalt eat there, and rejoice before the LORD thy God. 8 And thou shalt write upon the stones all the words of this law very plainly. 9 And Moses and the priests the Levites spake unto all Israel, saying, Take heed, and hearken, O Israel; this day thou art become the people of the LORD thy God. 10 Thou shalt therefore obey the voice of the LORD thy God, and do his commandments and his statutes, which I command thee this day.

    11 And Moses charged the people the same day, saying, 12 These shall stand upon mount Gerizim to bless the people, when ye are come over Jordan; Simeon, and Levi, and Judah, and Issachar, and Joseph, and Benjamin: 13 And these shall stand upon mount Ebal to curse; Reuben, Gad, and Asher, and Zebulun, Dan, and Naphtali. 14 And the Levites shall speak, and say unto all the men of Israel with a loud voice, 15 Cursed be the man that maketh any graven or molten image, an abomination unto the LORD, the work of the hands of the craftsman, and putteth it in a secret place. And all the people shall answer and say, Amen. 16 Cursed be he that setteth light by his father or his mother. And all the people shall say, Amen. 17 Cursed be he that removeth his neighbour's landmark. And all the people shall say, Amen. 18 Cursed be he that maketh the blind to wander out of the way. And all the people shall say, Amen. 19 Cursed be he that perverteth the judgment of the stranger, fatherless, and widow. And all the people shall say, Amen. 20 Cursed be he that lieth with his father's wife; because he uncovereth his father's skirt. And all the people shall say, Amen. 21 Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast. And all the people shall say, Amen. 22 Cursed be he that lieth with his sister, the daughter of his father, or the daughter of his mother. And all the people shall say, Amen. 23 Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law. And all the people shall say, Amen. 24 Cursed be he that smiteth his neighbour secretly. And all the people shall say, Amen. 25 Cursed be he that taketh reward to slay an innocent person. And all the people shall say, Amen. 26 Cursed be he that confirmeth not all the words of this law to do them. And all the people shall say, Amen.

    New Testament Reading
    Mark 14:27

    27 And Jesus saith unto them, All ye shall be offended because of me this night: for it is written, I will smite the shepherd, and the sheep shall be scattered. 28 But after that I am risen, I will go before you into Galilee. 29 But Peter said unto him, Although all shall be offended, yet will not I. 30 And Jesus saith unto him, Verily I say unto thee, That this day, even in this night, before the cock crow twice, thou shalt deny me thrice. 31 But he spake the more vehemently, If I should die with thee, I will not deny thee in any wise. Likewise also said they all.

    32 And they came to a place which was named Gethsemane: and he saith to his disciples, Sit ye here, while I shall pray. 33 And he taketh with him Peter and James and John, and began to be sore amazed, and to be very heavy; 34 And saith unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful unto death: tarry ye here, and watch. 35 And he went forward a little, and fell on the ground, and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. 36 And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt. 37 And he cometh, and findeth them sleeping, and saith unto Peter, Simon, sleepest thou? couldest not thou watch one hour? 38 Watch ye and pray, lest ye enter into temptation. The spirit truly is ready, but the flesh is weak. 39 And again he went away, and prayed, and spake the same words. 40 And when he returned, he found them asleep again, (for their eyes were heavy,) neither wist they what to answer him. 41 And he cometh the third time, and saith unto them, Sleep on now, and take your rest: it is enough, the hour is come; behold, the Son of man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. 42 Rise up, let us go; lo, he that betrayeth me is at hand.

    43 And immediately, while he yet spake, cometh Judas, one of the twelve, and with him a great multitude with swords and staves, from the chief priests and the scribes and the elders. 44 And he that betrayed him had given them a token, saying, Whomsoever I shall kiss, that same is he; take him, and lead him away safely. 45 And as soon as he was come, he goeth straightway to him, and saith, Master, master; and kissed him. 46 And they laid their hands on him, and took him. 47 And one of them that stood by drew a sword, and smote a servant of the high priest, and cut off his ear. 48 And Jesus answered and said unto them, Are ye come out, as against a thief, with swords and with staves to take me? 49 I was daily with you in the temple teaching, and ye took me not: but the scriptures must be fulfilled. 50 And they all forsook him, and fled. 51 And there followed him a certain young man, having a linen cloth cast about his naked body; and the young men laid hold on him: 52 And he left the linen cloth, and fled from them naked.

    53 And they led Jesus away to the high priest: and with him were assembled all the chief priests and the elders and the scribes.

    Proverb of the Day
    Proverbs 15

    1 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. 2 The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness. 3 The eyes of the LORD are in every place, beholding the evil and the good. 4 A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit. 5 A fool despiseth his father's instruction: but he that regardeth reproof is prudent. 6 In the house of the righteous is much treasure: but in the revenues of the wicked is trouble. 7 The lips of the wise disperse knowledge: but the heart of the foolish doeth not so. 8 The sacrifice of the wicked is an abomination to the LORD: but the prayer of the upright is his delight. 9 The way of the wicked is an abomination unto the LORD: but he loveth him that followeth after righteousness. 10 Correction is grievous unto him that forsaketh the way: and he that hateth reproof shall die. 11 Hell and destruction are before the LORD: how much more then the hearts of the children of men? 12 A scorner loveth not one that reproveth him: neither will he go unto the wise. 13 A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken. 14 The heart of him that hath understanding seeketh knowledge: but the mouth of fools feedeth on foolishness. 15 All the days of the afflicted are evil: but he that is of a merry heart hath a continual feast. 16 Better is little with the fear of the LORD than great treasure and trouble therewith. 17 Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith. 18 A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife. 19 The way of the slothful man is as an hedge of thorns: but the way of the righteous is made plain. 20 A wise son maketh a glad father: but a foolish man despiseth his mother. 21 Folly is joy to him that is destitute of wisdom: but a man of understanding walketh uprightly. 22 Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established. 23 A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it! 24 The way of life is above to the wise, that he may depart from hell beneath. 25 The LORD will destroy the house of the proud: but he will establish the border of the widow. 26 The thoughts of the wicked are an abomination to the LORD: but the words of the pure are pleasant words. 27 He that is greedy of gain troubleth his own house; but he that hateth gifts shall live. 28 The heart of the righteous studieth to answer: but the mouth of the wicked poureth out evil things. 29 The LORD is far from the wicked: but he heareth the prayer of the righteous. 30 The light of the eyes rejoiceth the heart: and a good report maketh the bones fat. 31 The ear that heareth the reproof of life abideth among the wise. 32 He that refuseth instruction despiseth his own soul: but he that heareth reproof getteth understanding. 33 The fear of the LORD is the instruction of wisdom; and before honour is humility.

     
           
       
     

  • DAILY JOKES

     

    THE 45 DIFFERENCE

    Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs. Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.

     


     


    There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children. One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw Santa [...]

  • T&M ARE YOU WEARING YOUR KILLER SHOES

    Are You Wearing Your Killer Shoes?

    Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; and your feet shot with the preparation of the gospel of peace, Eph 6:14-15

     

    If you had seen the shoes of a Roman soldier, you’d have wanted to make sure you didn’t fall in front of him or get in his way where he might accidentally step on you. These weren’t normal shoes—they were killer shoes!

     

    Paul refers to these killer shoes in Eph 6:15 as he talks about the spiritual weapons Yahvah has give to the Assembly. Just as Yahvah has given each believer a sword. He has also clothed every believer with the shoes of peace.

     

    Now, I realize that these shoes may sound like a passive, peaceful part of our spiritual armor. However, these are actually killer shoes, such as those worn by a Roman soldier.

     

    The shoes of a Roman soldier were vicious weapons. They began at the top of the leg near the knees and extended down to the feet. The portions that covered the knees to the feet were called the “greaves.” They were made of metal and were specially shaped to wrap around the calves of a soldier’s legs. The greaves were uncomfortable but essential for the safekeeping of a soldier’s legs.

     

    The shoe itself were made of heavy pieces of leather or metal tied together with leather straps they were intermingled with bits of metal. The bottoms were manufactured of heavy leather or pieces of metal. The bottom of the shoes were affixed with sharp dangerous, protruding spikes. These spikes had serval purposes, which we will get into just a moment. In addition, two sharply pointed spikes extended beyond the front of each shoe.

     

    Let me explain to you the reason for all this gear on a doldier’s leg and feet. First, the graves—the metal that covered the Roman soldier’s legs from his knees to the top of his feet—were designed to protect the soldier’s calves when he was required to march through rocky and thorny terrain. If he’d had no protection on his legs, he would have surely been gashed and cut by the environment.

     

    Thus, the greaves gave the soldier protection so he could keep walking, regardless of the obstacles he encountered. The metal  barriers also gave him defensive protection in those moments when an adversary kicked him in the shins, trying to break his legs. Because the soldier’s calves were covered with these greaves, his legs could not be broken and the enemy’s attacks were in vain.

     

    When Paul writes about these shoes in Eph 6:15, he says “…And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace.” Notice that he connects peace with these killer weapons! In just a moment, you’ll understand why.

     

    The word “shod” is derived from the word hupodeomnai—a compound of the word hupo and deo. The word hupo means under, and deo means to bind.

     

    But wait—there’s one more important point. Paul continued, “And your feet shod with the preparation…” The word “preparation” is the Greek word etoinmasin, and it presents the idea of readiness or preparation. When used in connection with Roman soldiers, the word etoimasin portrayed men of war who had their shoes tied on very tight to ensure a firm footing. Once they had the assurance that their shoes were going to stay in placed, they were ready to make out the battlefield and confront the enemy.

     

    PRAYER: YAHVAH, I THANK YOU FOR THE PEACE YOU HAVE PLACED IN MY LIFE. THIS POWERFUL SPIRITUAL WEAPON PROTECTS ME FROM THE ASSUALTS OF LIFE, ENABLING ME TO STAND TIXED, EVEN IN THE FACE OF THE OCCASSIONAL STORM THAT TRIES TO BLOW INTO MY LIFE, MY FAMILY, MY CHURCH, MY FRIENDSHIPS, AND MY BUSINESS. WHEN ADVERSE SITUATIONS  ARISE AGAIST ME, HELP ME REMEMBER TO IMMEDIATELY RELEASE THIS DIVINE FORCE TO SAFEGUARD MY LIFE. THIS I PRAY IN YAHVAHOSHA MESSIAH, HALLELUYAH!

     

    MY CONFESSION FOR TODAY.

    I confession that Yahvah’s peace rules my mind and emotions, protecting me from the ups and downs of life. When storms are trying to rage against me and situations are hostile toward me. Yahvah’s peace covers and safequard me from all harm. Therefore, although the devil may try to kick, punch, pull, and distract me, that conquering peace empowers me to keep marching ahead oblivious to the devil’s attempt to take me down! I declare this by faith in Yahvahosha’s Name! Bro. Doc

  • The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. Anatole France, Crainquebille. Bro. Doc

  • DAILY QUOTES

    „I think of a hero as someone who understands the degree of responsibility that comes with his freedom.” Bob Dylan

  • JOKES OF THE DAY

    Jokes of the day -  Ant Jokes   

     

    Why don't anteaters get sick ?

    Because they are full of antibodies!

          ______________________________________________

     

    Why did the ant-elope ?

    Nobody gnu !

         ______________________________________________

    Who was the most famous ant scientist ?

    Albert Antstein !

         ______________________________________________

     Who is the most famous French ant ?

    Napoleant !

        ______________________________________________

    Where do ants go to eat ?

    At a restaurant !

       ______________________________________________

    Where do ants go for their holidays ?

    Frants !

  • JOKES

    Dividing Nuts

    On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

    "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

    The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.

    Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

    He knew what it was. "Oh, my!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road as fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

    "Come quick!" said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

    The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"

    After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

    The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."

    Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

    They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

    Gut Buster

    A pharmacist comes back from his break and sees a man leaning against the wall, his face strained and nervous. He asks his assistant: "What's wrong with that man over there?"

    "He came in looking for cough medicine," she replies. "I couldn't find any, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxatives."

    "Oh great!" steamed the pharmacist. "He is going to sue us now. You don't give laxatives to a person with a cough!"

    "Well," said the clerk defensively, "look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

    The Meaning of Self-Help

    I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"

    She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

    Driven to Distraction

    - Only in America can a pizza guy get to your door faster than an ambulance.

    - Why do slow-down and slow-up mean the same thing?

    - Why are wise man and wise guy opposites?

    - Why is it that when stuff goes on a truck it's called a shipment and on a boat it's called cargo?

    - Why do we drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?

    - Why do we press harder on things when we know the batteries are dead?

    Dividing Nuts

    On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

    "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

    The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.

    Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

    He knew what it was. "Oh, my!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road as fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

    "Come quick!" said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

    The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"

    After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

    The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."

    Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

    They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

    Gut Buster

    A pharmacist comes back from his break and sees a man leaning against the wall, his face strained and nervous. He asks his assistant: "What's wrong with that man over there?"

    "He came in looking for cough medicine," she replies. "I couldn't find any, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxatives."

    "Oh great!" steamed the pharmacist. "He is going to sue us now. You don't give laxatives to a person with a cough!"

    "Well," said the clerk defensively, "look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

    The Meaning of Self-Help

    I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"

    She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

    Driven to Distraction

    - Only in America can a pizza guy get to your door faster than an ambulance.

    - Why do slow-down and slow-up mean the same thing?

    - Why are wise man and wise guy opposites?

    - Why is it that when stuff goes on a truck it's called a shipment and on a boat it's called cargo?

    - Why do we drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?

    - Why do we press harder on things when we know the batteries are dead?

  • DAILY DOSE QUOTES

     „Ignorance, the root and the stem of every evil.” Plato Bro. Doc

  • INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

    Motivational Quote of the Day…

    "Death and love are the two wings that bear the good man to heaven."

    Michelangelo

    Love Quote of the Day…

    “Love is the flower of life, and blossoms unexpectedly and without law, and must be plucked where it is found, and enjoyed for the brief hour of its duration.”

    D.H. LAWRENCE