04/17/2013

• JOKES

  If Men Got Pregnant 1. Morning sickness would rank as the nations number one health problem. 2. Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay. 3. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained. 4. Natural childbirth would become obsolete. 5. All methods of birth control would become 100% effective. 6. Men would be eager to talk about commitment. 7. There would be a cure for stretch marks. 8. They would serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes. 9. Men wouldn't think twins were so cute. 10. Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm.

  Jesus and His Golf Partners Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green. The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

  My Jobs My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

  Men Don't Listen A young man was driving up a steep, winding and narrow mountain road. Going round a tight corner, he notices a woman driver who is coming in the opposite direction begin to lean out of her window. As they pass each other she yells at him - "PIG!!!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and screams back at her, "WITCH!!!" Each continues on their way, and as the man rounds the next bend he crashes into a pig, right in the middle of the road... If only men would listen.

   

  • 1:37 am
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