12/16/2012

  • JOKES

    Why Specs Live Forever

    The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

    Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

    Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

    Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

    So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

    Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever.

    So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's rear came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

    Pythagoras Was A Native American

    On the banks of a river sat three indian women, sitting on three different animal skins. On a deer skin was a woman with her son, and the son weighed 140 pounds. On a buffalo skin was another woman, and her son who weighed 160 pounds. And on a hippopotamus skin sat an immense indian woman, who weighed 300 pounds herself.

    A native american mathemetician saw this and noted that the squaw on the hippopotamus was equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

    One Liner

    Did you hear about the guy who went to the dentist to get new dentures? His insurance was denied and he only had a dollar on him... so he wound up with buck teeth.

    You Get What You Pay For

    A woman went out to her yard one morning and found her dog just laying there, not moving at all. She thought it might be dead, but since it was a basset hound and never moved much anyway, she wanted to be sure... after all, she didn't want to bury it and then find out it wasn't. So she took it to the vet.

    The vet agreed to take a look. He shook the dog gently. He checked for a doggy pulse, but couldn't find one. He held a mirror up to the dog's nose but it stayed clear. He said, "Well, the dog does look dead; but I'd like to run one more test."

    He goes into the other room and brings back an animal carrier. He opens the door and a cat comes out, walks around the dog two or three times, and finally lifts it's head and tail and goes back into the carrier.

    Vet says, "Well, ma'am, I'm sorry to say but your dog is dead."

    "Well, that's what I came here to find out," she says, "How much do I owe you?"

    "That'll be $520."

    "What?" she screams, "$520 to tell me my dog's dead?? Why so much?"

    "Well," said the vet, "it's $20 for the office visit, and $500 for the cat scan."